I think I've finally figured out the difference between kids who have legitimate conflict versus kids who just like drama. Earlier this week I had a meeting with some 4th grade girls and their moms. I spent a lot of time with these girls as 3rd graders, too. Every situation involved recess. And people disagreeing. And someone getting mad at someone else. I spent a lot of time putting out little fires and I know that their mothers have spent a lot of time at home re-hashing the day's events and teaching/reteaching strategies to avoid such conflicts. But yet here we are, another year older and we are still spending a large amount of time trying to help these girls solve their conflicts. But herein lies the problem. Who is really solving these conflicts? In all reality, it is us the adults. And is anything actually being solved? Nope.
I have finally realized this because recently I have started working with a young 3rd grade girl. She has explained her conflict with a friend to me, and it sounds like a very controlling friendship. The concern is, though, that this young girl is the 'controlling' friend's only friend. Well no wonder she is controlling. If my student didn't sit by her or play with her, she would have no one else to play with. And fortunately, my student still wants to be her friend. She just doesn't like the way things are in the friendship. So we sat down, and in about 20 minutes we had the problem behaviors identified and a 6-step plan. Talk about the feeling of accomplishment! I have since met with the young girl two more times, and we are already on step 3- How to communicate her needs to two friends. (Step 1: What do I want/need? and Step 2: What do I (specifically) want/need from _____). Not only did we identify the problems and create a plan to solve each problem, but I received a call from the young girl's mother. She already noticed a difference in her daughter that same day! I feel like I'm on top of the world! I am actually making a difference in a child's life (a difference that is immediate, at least). It's the little things...
Back to my realization of Actual Conflict v. Drama:
If a child has a legitimate conflict and needs help solving it, it is easy to identify a plan and work towards resolving the issue. If a child is claiming they have a problem but cannot make a plan to resolve it, I would have to say in my personal opinion that it is and will remain a 'drama situation' until the child is ready to move past it.
After note: I just received a call (yes, as I was sitting here typing this) from the mother of the 'controlling' friend. Talk about upset. Apparently there was some major conflict at recess and during Phy. Ed between these two. I am slightly upset that no one sent the girls to me or even notified me, but that comes with the nature of my job and the necessary confidentiality. Anyway... apparently her daughter has been distraught all week and really struggling with her emotions. I am not sure if this is a result of her friend talking things out with me, but it goes to show you that my instinct of a single friend is correct. My gut tells me this girl is upset about the possibility of losing her one and only friend. If only it wasn't Friday afternoon...
I have finally realized this because recently I have started working with a young 3rd grade girl. She has explained her conflict with a friend to me, and it sounds like a very controlling friendship. The concern is, though, that this young girl is the 'controlling' friend's only friend. Well no wonder she is controlling. If my student didn't sit by her or play with her, she would have no one else to play with. And fortunately, my student still wants to be her friend. She just doesn't like the way things are in the friendship. So we sat down, and in about 20 minutes we had the problem behaviors identified and a 6-step plan. Talk about the feeling of accomplishment! I have since met with the young girl two more times, and we are already on step 3- How to communicate her needs to two friends. (Step 1: What do I want/need? and Step 2: What do I (specifically) want/need from _____). Not only did we identify the problems and create a plan to solve each problem, but I received a call from the young girl's mother. She already noticed a difference in her daughter that same day! I feel like I'm on top of the world! I am actually making a difference in a child's life (a difference that is immediate, at least). It's the little things...
Back to my realization of Actual Conflict v. Drama:
If a child has a legitimate conflict and needs help solving it, it is easy to identify a plan and work towards resolving the issue. If a child is claiming they have a problem but cannot make a plan to resolve it, I would have to say in my personal opinion that it is and will remain a 'drama situation' until the child is ready to move past it.
After note: I just received a call (yes, as I was sitting here typing this) from the mother of the 'controlling' friend. Talk about upset. Apparently there was some major conflict at recess and during Phy. Ed between these two. I am slightly upset that no one sent the girls to me or even notified me, but that comes with the nature of my job and the necessary confidentiality. Anyway... apparently her daughter has been distraught all week and really struggling with her emotions. I am not sure if this is a result of her friend talking things out with me, but it goes to show you that my instinct of a single friend is correct. My gut tells me this girl is upset about the possibility of losing her one and only friend. If only it wasn't Friday afternoon...